How to close a book....

I've put off writing this post for some time now. Somewhat from a lack of time, and mostly from a lack of words. My last two weeks in the Dominican Republic went so quickly that I never managed to journal or post blogs. And now, I have somehow passed another two weeks back at home. It all seems somewhat of a blur. It is still hard to look at pictures of my kids. I feel like I am grieving, I miss them all so much.
For those of you who have experienced return culture shock, maybe you can understand. And for those who haven't, well, you are blessed. I expected to receive some level of culture shock when entering another culture. The food is strange, they dress different, they talk different, they even drive different. I suppose once I had fully adapted to the Dominican however, America became a foreign culture. Strange, I know. But now the people seem to walk so fast, the schedules are so full, the food so strong and rich...I am afraid my list goes on. They tell me that eventually I will feel back at home here. But for now, every big house, every full refrigerator, every supermarket, every radio station, every bright light, and every conversation reminds me that I am back in America. Which isn't a bad thing except that more than half of the people I love live in a third world country very far from me.
However, before I become to distracted on this tangent of culture and how shocking it is, a brief closure of my last nine months. First of all, I find it interesting to remember my expectations when I arrived compared with the end results.

Expectation: Teach 1st through 8th grade English
Result: Teach 5th through 8th grade and Juniors and Seniors English, Teach 5 piano students
Expectation: Live in a home with young children
Result: Live in a home with 15-25 year old girls

My 2 main expectations and they were both wrong. However, I love my students, and I am so glad I lived with my sisters. Sometimes God's results are way better than my expectations. A few of my expectations were met. They really did speak Spanish and I really did learn it after humorous mistakes and hours of practice. Most importantly, I really did learn a lot and my life will never be the same.

I realize that this post is all over the place. It's unorganized, maybe even frustratingly so. But it's where I am right now. In between phases. No longer in another country, but not quite back. My heart and my body have been temporarily disconnected. It's a painful process. On the flight back as Kayla and I sat by each other trying to accept that the hugs we had just given were goodbye, we made the following conclusion. Perhaps it is easier to never leave home. Never take risks. Never adapt to other cultures. Never fall in love with a people other than your own. We decided that was our fix. To get home and never ever leave again. It was just to painful to put everything we had into something that we eventually said goodbye to. Of course it's not a reasonable solution. Especially considering I plan to leave again in less than three weeks. I've learned that not only do the things worth having require hard work, but they may even end before you are ready.

I suppose these are the points I am getting to:
1. I made it. Through the year, and back home safely in the end. Thank you for your prayers and support!
2. My life will never be the same. People keep telling me that I am the same that I was 9 months ago. Perhaps I still walk the same, dress the same, and have most of the same friends. But what I have seen, experienced, and overcome cannot be erased. Hopefully some day people other than me will be able to see how this whole thing has changed me, but if not, I know and that's really all that matters.
3. I have to accept closure. Coming back in the end was planned and necessary. I have school to finish and in four years time, I can commit to as many years of mission experience as God has in store for me. However, closure doesn't have to mean forgetting. I never want to forget the strength of my students or their laughs, smiles, drawings, broken english, special music, dirty uniforms, frogs, dirty water, rice and beans, well, you know what I mean.

So that's it. After pages of journal smudged with dirty fingerprints and wet with humidity, I close. But not a book. Just a chapter...